Breaking the Silence: Understanding the Harmful Dynamics of the Silent Treatment

You know those people who have wronged you in some way and don’t speak to you anymore? Or maybe it's you, you feel wronged by someone and think the best thing to do is cut ties so the issue disappears. Let me tell you something: it doesn’t. This is the act of hardening your heart. Something we are strictly commanded to avoid. Whether it’s you or someone doing this to you, whoever it is, let’s talk about it. 

I am not talking about healthy boundaries. Boundaries are biblical and always implemented with love. I am talking about being mad at your spouse or significant other and refusing to communicate while you are sharing time together. I am talking about how a friendship or relationship ends without clear communication. I am talking about the silent treatment. The silent treatment is abuse, friends. One of the most overused and cruel forms of abuse. 

If you rely on the silent treatment, let me define this for you. Merriam’s Webster’s definition of the silent treatment is “an act of completely ignoring a person or thing by resorting to silence, especially as a means of expressing contempt or disapproval.” Another definition is “a refusal to verbally communicate with someone, often as a means of punishment, emotional manipulation, or control.” There is nothing about either definition that demonstrates emotional maturity. Frankly, it is repulsively immature. No matter which way you look at it, the silent treatment is harmful abuse. 

When we have used the silent treatment most likely we did not think of it as harmful. The truth is we probably weren’t thinking much about anything other than ourselves. When you purposefully ignore another human you are indicating that you wish that person did not exist. Read that again: when you purposely ignore another fellow human being, created in the image and likeness of God, who shares the same requirement for human dignity that you do, you are indicating outwardly and publicly that you wish that person did not exist. In the field of psychology, it is sometimes known as “psychological murder”. No matter what anyone has done to us, no one deserves this kind of treatment (check out “Where they Intersect” in this article).

Studies have shown that individuals subjected to silent treatment feel their fundamental needs of belonging, self-esteem, control, and meaningful existence are threatened. This behavior inflicts significant emotional harm, leading to physical pain like depression, and fostering feelings of isolation and rejection. It is universally recognized as an inappropriate and damaging way to treat others. But we’ve all done it at some point, haven’t we? 

Henry Cloud (love him, what a gem!) said, “There is a big difference between hurt and harm. We all hurt sometimes in facing hard truths, but it makes us grow. It can be the source of huge growth. That is not harmful. Harm is when you damage someone. Facing reality is usually not a damaging experience, even though it can hurt.” 

Hurt is pain, harm is much more: it’s physical damage. 

I have a close friend who if you tell her something like “I have something to tell you” or “We need to talk” she has intense anxiety until you actually tell her. It can be something good or just funny, but the anxiety builds up. Honestly, I am like that, too, maybe we are all. We wonder if we have done something wrong, we are impatient, there are all kinds of reasons. This friend and I relate in a lot of ways and can usually empathize with each other despite having different circumstances and experiences, however, there is one particular situation in my life that she wasn’t able to fully comprehend and grasp an understanding of. Not long after we laughed over the commonality of having anxiety over a person telling us that they needed to talk to us, I went back to her and mentioned the scenario, I then said “Imagine someone telling you they had something to communicate with you, and over a year later, you still hadn’t had that conversation. All you had received was the silent treatment or superficial moments of encounter.” It wasn’t until saying out loud that I had even processed this whole scenario fully and realized where some of my unease was. She was able to empathize more and understand the feelings I had surrounding the whole situation. It didn’t take her long though to look at me and say, “Since it’s been so long, don’t you think that has said enough and everything you need to know?” And she was right, it has. My mind doesn’t comprehend how a person can make commitments or promises to someone without fulfilling them. Let alone a person I know has their own anxiety over conversations occurring when someone points out that one is needed. Maybe the person didn’t want to “hurt” me, but there was real harm done. 

Words don’t tell us about a person, actions do. I think it is important to understand our actions, especially those that could cause harm to another human being. The best way to love someone is to make them feel seen, heard and understood. 

Maybe you’ve been in a place where you can’t believe that someone who used to be a friend of yours won’t speak to you, but at the same time are you doing it to someone else? Not responding to a simple message, not being a friend, not showing love? Did you get mad at something your spouse said while watching a movie together and then you sat there and refused to speak to him the rest of the night? Or, maybe even our kids? Do you get so irritated or upset with them that you completely ignore them? Think about how scary that must feel in a mind that is not fully developed. Maybe this sounds harmless to you. Actually, I am sure it does, because it is so common. 

I can think of times when this was done to me and the purpose has varied from just forgetting to respond to not agreeing with something I had said to wanting to fully end a friendship. To put it simply: it made me feel unloved and that was very real for me. It also lacked clarity which created confusion, leaving me guessing and making assumptions. It also has happened in a way that put me in a place where I did not think I could trust anyone. Feeling confused, unloved, and like you can’t trust anyone are all scary places to be, friends. 

There are times we all need a cooling-off period, to take a minute to process. It is when silence becomes prolonged or it isn’t communicated that this space is needed that it becomes sinful and destructive. Part of being emotionally and spiritually mature is addressing issues with respect and knowing that when anger and division are taking over the circumstance you promptly address it and rectify the situation. 

A question that requires deeper exploration to ask yourself when you find your giving someone the silent treatment is what is your intent behind the silence? 

It is not the silence that is “wrong”. Silence is good at times. It is your intent behind the silence that needs to be discerned. If you intend to punish someone, it’s not your place. If your intent is to implement my boundaries for your own safety, it is your place to communicate that. Using the silent treatment as any form of punishment or holding a person in contempt is a selfish act. It is meant only to protect one’s self at the expense of someone else. Contempt itself is sinful, it is more than disagreement. Contempt says “my world would be better without you in it” and through it, you are unable to see the image of God in the other person. The very thing that Jesus warns about in Matthew 5:21-22 (some of those verses that I mentioned in this article). 

Finding someone who possesses both emotional and mental patience and maturity to navigate life's challenges is becoming increasingly uncommon. It involves genuine communication and the willingness to set aside ego, prioritizing the connection over personal pride. If a person lacking emotional maturity hurts another person and then decides to cut off communication with that person instead of owning up to their actions or having a conversation, it is never about “protecting their peace” it is about protecting their pride. Check out the “motive” section in this article.

Whatever one’s purpose is for using it, it does not align with our God-given purpose which is simple: to love God and to love our neighbor. 

The way evil wins is when we become blind to it. That is the goal of the enemy, to make sin look normal and acceptable. Let me tell you it can still look normal to me. This week I saw a quote that said, “Forgiving people in silence and never speaking to them again is a form of self-care.” My initial, thoughtless reaction to this was yep - forgive and move along. Let me bookmark that one. But wait a minute. That’s the world-talking telling you that something that is not Biblical is a form of self-care. If we changed the last word to “selfishness” it would be more accurate. See, that’s what the world does. It packages these little notions up so pretty and makes them sound desirable and acceptable. It doesn’t make them good, right, or true.

A. W. Tozer wrote, “Contempt for a human being is an affront to God almost as grave as idolatry, for while idolatry is disrespect for God Himself, contempt is disrespect for the being He made in His own image. Contempt says of a man, ‘Raca! This fellow is of no worth. I attach to his person no value whatsoever.’ The man guilty of thus appraising a human being is thoroughly bad.”

John Newton also warned about contempt, “Whatever it be that makes us trust in ourselves that we are comparatively wise or good, so as to treat those with contempt who do not subscribe to our doctrines, or follow our party, is a proof and fruit of a self-righteous spirit.”

Someone recently pointed out how we tend to size up people with what benefit they are to us or what liability they are. The mindset of “if you’re good for me, I will keep you around until you’re not”. Jesus calls us to a high standard of love, especially towards others and this begins with respecting the dignity of each person. Christians should not lower their standards to using the silent treatment towards others. The foundation of all relational sin is not recognizing the person across from us is made in the same image as we are. It’s an explicit devaluation that opens the door to all relational sin. It is so foundational that we know how to relate to one another. We are made to be with God and made to be with each other. our brokenness will try to isolate us. That is why it is so important to remember that the person across from us is worthy of respect and acceptance.

While it's important to embrace love for everyone, it's equally important to use the gift of discernment in how we appropriately love them. Even by societal norms, it's unacceptable to inflict pain, be it physical or emotional, upon others. The silent treatment, for instance, can have significant consequences, ranging from inducing depression to fostering feelings of isolation and rejection.

We need to pay extra attention to the things in the Bible that irritated Jesus as they provide a practical application for us knowing that we don’t want to be irritating to God. In Mark 3, Jesus is irritated or “angered” by their silence. He asked a pretty simple question, too: is it better to do good or evil on a Sunday? A man is standing in front of them with a problem and Jesus is saying should we help this man or not? They refuse to answer him, instead, they talk among themselves. God’s will was clear in this situation: to do good. Their hesitation and lack of response anger Jesus. So, we can see that Jesus did not appreciate the silent treatment as one application. But also another is to ask ourselves, do we ever overthink or hesitate when God’s will is clear? Is there a simple answer to something that I am overcomplicating? The best thing we can do is offer God a heart that is willing to obey quickly without hesitation. We don’t want to irritate the Lord with our silence or with our stubbornness.

God came to earth in human form as Jesus as a model for the standards we should be trying to meet. Jesus never failed to respond or to acknowledge people. He may not have answered their questions. He may not have defended himself, as I talked about in this piece from Lent. But he always spoke. If you are a Christian, that means you are living every day to become more sanctified. This means you are aiming to become more like Christ in our character and in our behaviors. 

To be honest, I have had occasions when someone has called me over and over, yet I have refused to answer the phone. The world would that the person calling 20 times in a row is crazy or in the wrong, but you know who was wrong: me. I ignored the dignity of the other person in those scenarios for the sake of my own pride and validation. It was unloving, unkind, and truly unacceptable for a Christian.

Some people have been in such abusive scenarios that to converse with their abuser even to express forgiveness would not be recommended. But there are ways, maybe it’s a note or even just a journal entry. I am not one with good advice here - I have overcommunicated with more than one abusive person trying to make peace and it only facilitated more abuse. Maybe one day I will have some better insight to provide. I just know we can’t treat people the way they treat us, we have to treat people the way Jesus would. 

People will fail us and they will fail to have compassion over us or our circumstances  – Jesus is aware of all of your circumstances, all your feelings and thoughts, and he is compassionate over this. So, before using the silent treatment again ask yourself: how is my heart towards others' pain? 

If you notice yourself giving someone the silent treatment, ask yourself is it that the person’s presence is going to shine some light on something you would prefer to remain in the dark. We know that darkness must react to light. Is a conversation going to address something you would prefer to stay in the dark? What is my silence saying to the other person? Let Jesus’s tomb remind you that you can put truth in the dark, but it won’t stay there. Be reminded they are human and created in the same image as you. 

And I get it, there are conversations and people I have avoided like the plague for the same reason. But even if it was something where there is wrongdoing on my end, I believe it is important to hold myself accountable and make amends. These conversations can be hard. We have to create space in ourselves to truly hear the heart of another, especially when it is someone we don’t agree with. Sometimes to create this space, there are things we need to work through before we can have a conversation with another person. That’s okay and often necessary. We need to have the capability to know good silence from bad silence.

Sometimes we advice the silent treatment. We can go to a person and tell them that we just want to check in and talk to a person, and they may advise against it. They may not mean harm, but we must discern God’s will for our lives and if the Spirit puts something inside of you, don’t run from it. 

Using the silent treatments intensifies the sense that someone we deeply care about wants nothing to do with us, leaving us feeling invisible and powerless. Despite our efforts, we're unable to bridge the gap with the other person. On the other hand, there's value in establishing healthy boundaries within relationships and during conflicts, whether it's expressing the need for a timeout, a break, or space to regain composure and perspective. This demonstrates a person’s self-awareness of emotional escalation and the ability to take proactive steps toward emotional recovery, a sign of emotional intelligence.

If it is being done to you, I love this quote from an article and think it says it better than I could:

How should one best handle the silent treatment? First of all, do not accept it by letting the person get away with it via leaving them alone or avoiding them while they are in this mode. Don’t return silence with silence. You risk making things worse and getting yourself caught up in the silent treatment by your own resentment. Best to be yourself. Be normal. Talk to the person as you normally would. If they do not answer you or keep ignoring you, let it go. Be honey, not vinegar. Don’t address the treatment directly by asking when they are going to talk to you again. Be sweet and inviting, without being insistent that it stop. Your hope is that you will defuse the situation and make it more inviting for that person to come out of the silent treatment cage they entered voluntarily. Remember, this person put themselves in hell. You must be heaven to them, and as inviting as possible.

Be honey, not vinegar. I love that. Maybe a person hurt you and you think it’s best to hurt them back or that they deserve it. Trust me, I know this perspective, and the truth is that it does not benefit anyone. The only thing that is going to help them is if you articulate your hurt. 

Make things right as far as they depend on you. Always.